God, if they don’t have COLDPLAY and ELBOW in the next life, then it won’t be worth it!
God, if they don’t have COLDPLAY and ELBOW in the next life, then it won’t be worth it!
People like me don’t win. I was destined to be trodden on from the start. I’m fundamentally a good person. Fundamentally good people are always at the bottom of the food chain.
Other people (although I think the term people is being too generous, troglodytes is a better term) who are retarded, socially irresponsible members of society, always get everything they want. They don’t deserve it at all. While here I am, breaking my neck working, getting nowhere and nothing for it, and all the while these people get everything handed to them on a silver platter. I learned a long long time ago, that life was unfair, that the world was full of injustice. But to be continually dished injustice at every turn, no matter what you do, you can’t change it - is purely unforgivable.
Perhaps I am too optimistic in thinking the universe owes me something.. After all, I didn’t ask to be born. But I have tried so hard, and suffered so much, and been dragged through so much metaphorical bullshit, and have got nowhere, have nothing to show for it. Surely I deserve something too? At least some respect? Something to hope for?
This is why I believe I wasn’t meant to be born. Life is one continual series of painful events after the other. No one would really care if I was dead, I don’t really owe it to anyone to be here and alive. If I left this world tomorrow, noone would bat an eyelid. To go to sleep forever… would be ideal. What is the point of waking up everyday, getting older everyday… The sweet release of death is going to be an absolute joy.
I WILL ALWAYS BE WAITING FOR YOU
I am tired of waiting. I keep thinking, maybe tomorrow, things will be different, knowing full well that nothing will change. I just know… that this is the way things are now. There is nothing I can do.
Now it is obvious; it’s me against the world. People who I once sort of trusted have turned against me, joined this sick alliance, I know damn well what is going on. Sure, I know you would think I am being ‘paranoid’ and would say I need to talk to some bullshit counsellor. I know you are trying to make everyone think I am mental, that I have brought this on myself, or doing it for attention. This is a terrible analogy to use, but I now know how Lindsey on Hollyoaks felt, when she knew Silas was the murderer, yet everyone would defend him, and he taunted her and made her feel like she was going crazy. Except this situation is real life, and it’s a filthy pervert who is playing the victim, so he can play the sympathy card, and they, for some unknown reason BELIEVE him…
I have done nothing to deserve this. Do you think I enjoy suffering? Do you think ANY woman with an ounce of self respect would want to be subjected to breathing the same air as that cancerous lump?
I’ve honestly never been so disgusted in my entire life. I should have left sooner. I like how you brush everything under the fucking rug, deny anything ever happened, and then have the sheer audacity to ask why I am moping around looking distraught when you know damn well. I mean how many times do I have to repeat myself? I am not the one with the problem.
I don’t know where I am. I feel lost. Like I am perched on a rock in a sea of nothingness.
I don’t think you’ll ever truly understand, how words can ultimately destroy a person. You take away their self worth, and the only thing that remains is an empty being. No longer really human, just a thing, that is neither here nor there, barely in existence. I feel the same way I did in my dream, the one where I was crying and clawing at the floor, “I need to get back to my own world”. I think this has somehow happened, in reality, whatever reality is; this is not the right one.
Surely if I was in the real universe, you would come with me? Come back to me?
I hope.
Today you said those three little words to me… “I don’t care”
To be truthful, I don’t care about me either. I don’t belong in this world.
Well, thanks for confirming my suspicions. Today has really put things in perspective. The tipping point, if you will. If you and the others have a bet to see how long it will take me to kill myself, you are definitely going the right way about winning.
How dare you?
When I used to see articles about people being bullied out of job, I used to think that was the sort of thing that would never happen to me. How wrong I was. I should have seen it coming really. I have been bullied at pretty much every point in my sorry excuse for a life, why should work be any different?
I suppose the difference was I trusted you. Not anymore. Why should I trust a person who doesn’t believe a word I say? It’s safe to say I don’t trust anyone anymore, except maybe myself. I would rather leave with my self-respect, moral integrity and dignity in tact. I would not lower myself to the level you deem to be acceptable.
There is no justice in the world for people like me.
I know you had a laugh at my expense today. I can’t trust you anymore. Maybe it was too much to expect for you to help me. After all, it was so much easier for you to lie for a dirty old vindictive pervert, than tell the truth for me.
I know what you think of me. I know you were probably revelling in the fact that you’re the one who has made me feel like this, and I know you’ll pull out all the stops to make things worse and ultimately get rid of me.
I am already questioning why I thought I had so much respect for you, when evidently you had none at all for me. If you have a conscience, maybe you’ll feel guilty about your behaviour one day.
I hope.
Sunday nights spent endlessly dreaming of words you will never say.
Also, watching Wallace and Gromit’s Grand Day Out, because the little cooker who lives on the moon makes me smile.
Spent most of last night wondering whether you really cared about me, or were you just humoring me? It’s becoming vaguely obvious what the answer might be, but I do not want to admit it. I’d only believe it if you told me to my face. Those would be the words I could not bear to hear. But I don’t want to ask you, for fear of ‘disappointment’ on your part, for fear of the truth, fear of knowing I was wrong.
I cried so much.
Going to the moon ~ never can happen in this universe, happily, I have total belief in the Many Worlds Interpretation of quantum theory…so, soon my dear, soon
Seeing the Northern Lights ~ In February 2012, Tromso, Norway
Finding true love ~ I hoped……………………
I had always hoped. And in my eyes I had found true love. From the first day I knew him, to my last breath, I had loved him longer than any real life relationship. More than 5 years… Did you believe in fate? Did you ever know how I truly felt?
Existence, you knew I was there, I vaguely thought you may have felt the same one day… Our existence, our happiness, we would only be together in dreams. But what dreams they were. If you had known, would anything have changed?
You were my hope, as foolish as it may seem; as infinitesimally small as the hope was, I held onto that 0.0000000000001% of hope with all my heart. I believed my dreams were portals to parallel universes; the one in which you and I were together, and you loved me as much as I loved you. We were everywhere we wanted to be. If I could relive one dream with you, this is all I would want forever..: on the boat in the sea, in the middle of nowhere, complete darkness save for the lights and stars reflecting in your eyes, holding your hands, the smile on your face. All I could ever hope for, wish for, dream for. The fleeting moments in this life, the microseconds your hands would touch mine, the look in your eyes, the sound of your laughter…..all reminded me of how I felt in this dream. Complete elation beyond anything I had ever experienced. But oh how it hurt, upon waking, the realisation, the flat bland emptiness of reality, that I was only dreaming, only dreaming. I often wondered if you ever had the same dream, or at least, similar. If there was any connection, whether I was only imagining the whole thing. Perhaps I was. Sometimes I could feel you falling away from me in dreams, and I would fall with you.
For now, unfortunate me, I seem to have somehow woken up in a different parallel universe, where everything is exactly the same, except for one thing; You. Why are you being horrible to me for no good reason? Why do you look at me as though I am dirt, when I have done nothing wrong? Why do you no longer care? Why don’t you believe in me? Why won’t you support me when you said you always will?
